Note: This was written by my daughter Katie in 2010. This was before she met her husband John, and when she was worried that she would never find the man she was to marry. She had been pushed to the brink by many pressures, and this was her written decision. Perhaps it will help someone who is having similar struggles. God does hear your prayers.
I’ve had enough. I can’t take it anymore. I am exhausted with myself. I am weary of this world. I can no longer bear the burden. I will never be smart enough for the intellectual elite. I will never be pretty enough for the movies. I will never have enough talent to please the critics. I will never please them.
It is delusional and naive to trust in the name of Jesus or to believe in a reality that I can not see. It is ignorant and intolerant to abide by intangible absolutes. It is puritanical and repressive to keep my virginity for the man with whom I will spend the rest of my life.
I refuse to be defined by society. I am not deluded. I have seen and felt the pure, precious love of Jesus. I have seen its power in the lives of the people around me. I have known what it is to love something more than Him, to replace Him with the idols of my aspirations and my desires. It is fruitless and it leads to nothing. I choose to place my trust in His name, not because I am afraid of what my parents will say or how my family and friends will think of me, but because He is the answer to my self-hatred and my longings. He alone truly understands me. His life, death and resurrection redeemed me and set my soul on fire, consumed with the desire to follow in His footsteps. To love Him, to pour my life out for others and to live the life I was made for. He loved me first. I am not coerced, compelled, or constrained. I am free.
I am not ignorant. Choosing to love another person instead of yourself was the greatest philosophy of Jesus. ”Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” There is no question that this is the answer to every problem in the world. The desires for world peace, acceptance and unity can all be attained through the selfless love that Jesus demonstrated. The selfless love that has been given to us, and that we are bidden to give to our brothers. Hypocrites have destroyed the beauty of Jesus’ philosophy by manipulating it for our own purposes and thinking highly of ourselves simply because we were given a priceless gift that is offered to every person. We acted proud, as if we saved ourselves. Like a man who is drowning, and instead of thanking the one who pulled him from the tumbling waves, honors himself for accepting his savior’s hand. It is repulsive and disgusting, and it is wrong. We were not made to condemn or to make judgments about one another. We were made to love and to be loved.
I am not repressed. Sex is not bad. It is the crowning consummation of our creation. It was given to us not only as a means of procreation and pleasure, but as the ultimate expression of commitment and love. Sexual intimacy is the closest that I will ever be to another person. Why would I want that person to be anyone but the man to whom I am fully committed? I do not want anyone else but him. I will not have anyone else but him.
I am choosing to live this life in the best way that I know. I can no longer be a slave to my lusts and cravings for acceptance.
I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back.